#BritishProblems

1) Not being able to eat crisps in public because you're too worried your mouth would drown out a pneumatic drill

2) Writing a modest personal statement or CV because you don't want to seem boastful

3) Dealing with a queue-jumper by staring at the back of their head in the hope laser beams will shoot from your eyes

4) Realising you've walked into the wrong shop and being forced to browse for a bit anyway, to avoid the embarrassment of leaving

5) Not quite hearing someone's name at the first introduction and being forced to realise you can now never speak to them again



- Rosencrantz -

Awaiting Deportation...

"You have failed the practice citizenship test.
Questions answered correctly: 10 out of 24 (42%)
Time taken: 05 minutes 21 seconds"

Oops! How am I not British? I live in Britain and spend most of my time stood in a que and tutting. We need a new British Citizenship test, questions like:

1) If England football team enter a penalty shoot out, what will happen;
a) England will win
b) England will lose

2) Something is troubling you, what do you do?
a) Panic
b) Sort the problem
c) Don't worry about it and make a cup of tea

3) What is the first thing you think of when the word "bus" is mentioned?
a) Transportant
b) Pass
c) Late

- Guildenstern

Ignorance; thy name is the Sun

This was in the Sun. Ten simple questions were asked to a 1000 people, resulting in 10% correctly answering all ten. These were the questions and answers:

1)      What is the first line of the National Anthem? God save our gracious Queen

2)      What date was the Battle of Hastings? 1066

3)      Who invented the telephone? Alexander Graham Bell

4)      How many wives did King Henry VIII have? 6

5)      Who wrote Oliver Twist? Charles Dickens

6)      Name the four members of the Beatles. John Lennon, Paul McCartney, George Harrison, Ringo Star

7)      Which famous nurse was known as the Lady with the Lamp? Florence Nightingale

8)      Where was William Shakespeare born? Stratford-upon-Avon

9)      Who famously robbed from the rich to give to the poor? Robin Hood

10)  Who composed Land of Hope and Glory? Edward Elgar

I got 9/10; I didn’t know the last question. However, my problem is that two of the answers given in the Sun are incorrect or debatable at the very least. Alexander Graham Bell did not invent the telephone. Antonio Meucci demonstrated the teletrofono in 1860 and filed for a patent of sorts in 1871. Meucci fell ill and did not renew his patent in 1874 and Bell patent for the telephone was registered in 1876. In 2004 it was said that Meucci work on the invention of the telephone should be acknowledged as a part of his achievements. King Henry VIII did not have six wives. He had two or four if you are a Catholic. This is due to his marriage to Anne of Cleves being annulled, his marriage to Anne Boleyn was declared illegal for he was still married to Catherine of Aragon. Before Anne Boleyn was executed, Henry annulled the marriage. A similar process happened to Catherine Howard, the marriage was annulled due to the act, which Henry passed, of treason committed by a queen if she commits adultery, which she did before and during the marriage.

This is yet another dig at the British public being stupid.  However, the Sun top it by including themselves in that list by taking blind general ignorance as truth. Thank God for QI, without which we would be ruled by these idiots. A programme that teaches us that everything we know or think we know is wrong. Ignorance is the only thing we can cling onto from these damn newspapers. The other questions I assume are correct until proven otherwise by Stephen Fry, who I would believe over my own sense and mind.

Sorry for the history lesson and sorry that I did it, for Rosencrantz is the history buff around here. My field is science and sadly science fiction which, I know a dangerous amount about. Between us, we have a fair bit of knowledge in a few different subjects (not to sound arrogant or nothing). However, neither of us are competent in maths, post GCSE maths. Myself and Rosencrantz remember our A level maths lessons with a certain amount of dread and panic. Thankfully we seem to have the ability to erase information that is not useful from our brains and maths was deleted quite quickly after our Core 4 exam (much to Rosencrantz's detrement when she found herself with a seasonal job involving mental arithmetic), now neither of us know what a surd is or what we do with it. However this backfired on myself when I took a science course in which, maths was included. I would like to point out I did in the end get a distinction in maths and will be rubbing that in the face of those who doubted me at A level until the end of time.

- Guildenstern

P.s. Rosencrantz, please edit this if I'm wrong! I don't want to look like an idiot!


Ros: Done :)

Now with Added Contents!

Firstly and foremost; housekeeping and very Happy New Year to you, dear faithful reader. Or Rosencrantz, if she is the only one reading this. Hello, and here's to a good 2013! We, myself, Guildenstern and the afore mentioned Rosencrantz will try to update this blog more often during this year. That, however, is NOT a promise. No, we are not Liberal Democrats. We do not make promises we are unlikely to commit to. I, for one, will not do a Nick Clegg on here in six months time, telling everyone (you our single reader) that I am sorry. We all know the life gets very much in the way. Both myself and Rosencrantz are students, we are sometimes very busy appearing to be studying. No but in all seriousness, we do work hard. This was the main reason behind the dropping of the Podcast. Well, there were a few reasons; one, it took well over two years from initial planning to the recording of episode one. Two, episode one took 14 hours to record. We are not actors and there was a lot of laughing involved, (most of this is explained here). And three, Rosencrantz didn't want anyone she really knew listening to it. I've re-listened to it and it's rather embarrassing. But I've had a look of the things we wrote and I'm proud of some of the material. So hopefully we'll be bring this stuff to you in a blog/script/sketch of some form on here.
Now that is enough housekeeping, on to the contents...

- Guildenstern

The Sun, the Moon and the Shark

This was a story which, appeared in the news a while ago.  It's actually from my Physics coursework (it's not really physics, but it was in my physic lesson, so that sort of counts), it's about how the media misrepresents scientific discoveries. I love that I can write rants in my coursework and prove that there really are some idiots out there. 

The Sun ran the story that the killer shark that killed a man in the Seychelles was guided to the bay by the moon. The source of this story says that the shark will strike again at the full moon. The source for this was a fisherman. This story lacks sense as well as science since they based the attacks on two people who were killed by apparently two different sharks. Science wise, the tide is higher at a full moon so there would be a greater chance at the time to see a water dwelling creature. But it doesn’t mean that sharks hunt by it, they are sharks not fictitious werewolves.        

- Guildenstern (With science brain fully functioning due to the editing of my science essays. You're lucky you just have this story. I promise I won't post my explanation of the Acid Dissociation Constant. Yes, I'm a huge science geek. Sorry.)   

Bank Holidays, BBQ's and Baked Potatoes

In celebration of our Queen’s Diamond Jubilee, it seems each town in the country has held a party of some sort. This is madness for it is a Bank Holiday weekend which, are always exclusively rained off, so you generally avoid planning anything out doors. Bank Holidays are typical examples of the indoor BBQ, where you have risked buying coals and started lighting the BBQ outside but have also set the cooker on standby and are sat in preparation, with your plate full of salad, ready to dive into the house as soon as the first drop of precipitation falls from the sky and bung your remaining sausages under the grill. However, one brave member of your party remains outside in defiance, under an umbrella, poking the coals which, refuse to light, begging to the clouds not to ruin another attempt to cook and eat meat outside.        

Today, having learnt from previous BBQ-ing attempts, we decided to attend the “sort of” party in the town. My town decided to hold its party in the park with a precision of one of the many Bag Pipe bands we have for a small seaside market town, over four hundred miles south of the Scottish border. They were followed by ten members of the council, a group of sea cadets, five people of a majorette group (not even doing a majorette routine, literally just walking) and a man in a white van. Somehow that seemed to constitute a “parade” which, ended in the park where, apparently, there was plenty of entertainment. This entertainment was a stand with a DJ and four fast food vans. But not your usual fast food vans where you would expect burgers and chips. No, but two vans selling Baked Potatoes! Yes, Baked Potatoes. Two of them! Why? How do you serve Baked Potatoes as a fast food? Even worse than that, they were just selling the Baked Potatoes for two pound each, the fillings were additional. Two pound for someone just to hand you a plain Baked Potato!

- Guildenstern

The Weirdest Things I Have Ever Found

 I found it in Blackpool a few months ago and still remains undefeated of weird things I’ve have found. It was a back scratcher/shoe horn!? What!? Why would anyone need that? Who is cramming their feet into ill fitting shoes and thinks “My back is itching; I wish I could scratch it.”

The other I found a few weeks ago at work. It was vacuum packed pigs ears? Why? And why do we have them at a garage? I’ve never heard anyone say, “I’m just popping to the shop; I’ll get milk and bread. And pigs ears.”
- Guildenstern